February 24, 2006

A GOOD ASS WHIPPING

I'll never forget the last ass whipping my parents delivered unto me. Allow me to share the joy, Intrepids. And I say parents because it was the only time I got a twofer. Normally, if my sin was not too heinous, my mother would deliver the whipping. On those occasions when the crime was more calumniatory, she would merely sit, and smile at me, and say, every thirty seconds or so, "You just wait until your father gets home. You're going to get it!"

Understatement. Get it I would. And this time I got it from both.

Now, my parents were normally loving folks, but they definitely were of the Spare the Rod, Spoil the Little Miscreant sect. They were all about the whippings. And not just belt across the buttock. One had to drop their pants, and be subjected to the Tiger-toothed belt across the back of the legs. Now, that hurts. Ass cheeks were designed by our Heavenly Creator to absorb punishment. Hamstrings are not. Must have been some sort of Great Depression thing, because they were both total into the hamstring slashing.

I digress. My sin, you ask?

Well. It was October 1969. I was 12 years old. Went home with a friend, my trumpet in tow, because he played saxophone, and, despite being little hippie wannabes, we were closet fans of Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass. Herb seemed to be getting more leg than the hippie musicians, and we thought if we could cobble together some type of mariachi thing we'd have girls covering their naked bodies in whipped cream for us, too. A noble pursuit, I say.
See?



Sweet, no? We wanted that. Of course, we wanted 12 year old girls naked except for whipped cream, our goals being modest, but we also knew if we made enough money from junior high dance gigs perhaps we could hire a lady of the evening, with real breasts, to submit to our Cool Whip fantasies. We were, in fact, total nerd dipshits. You've seen thousands of us.

At any rate, I forgot to tell my sister the address of this kid, so she could pick me up at 7. When I finally realized my ride wasn't coming, I called the house. Mom was apoplectic. My sister was smoldering, and had to drive all the way to Springfield to pick me up. When I got home Mom pulled the usual: Drop the britches, scamp, and take your oats.

Fair enough. I'd screwed up, in a way. Rise to a level of a beating? Nah. But it wasn't exactly Midnight Express.

Here's the pisser though: when my father got home, my mother inexplicably threw me under the bus. Now, the old man hated coming home. He knew that, before he could mix a cocktail, he would have to listen to a litany of transgressions committed by any number of his five children, and would be expected to administer punishment, should it have not been administered already. Suck ass duty, really. Of course, my sisters merely got grounded. My brothers and I rode the tiger-toothed belt.

And so the Senator heard the tale, and took me to my room, and administered his version of the ass whipping. It fucking hurt!

I would love to say I didn't cry, but, oh, cry I did. For one thing, whenever any of us took the whip the others would hunker in a room nearby, the better to hear the lashing, then, when the parents were gone, come in and hug and commiserate with the lashee. Kind of a "better thee than me thing", but still cool. And tears carry gravitas.

After the twofer I did the unthinkable. I went upstairs to my parents' bedroom, and tearfully averred how I not only didn't deserve an ass whipping, I certainly didn't deserve two in one day. I called them cruel, I think.

The Senator, having gotten his whippings out of the way, and majestically nursing a Canadian whisky, laughed like hell.

"Boy, I don't care if you deserved it or not! You get away with so much I should whip you every day, and I still wouldn't catch up!"

He had a point there, of course, but that was lawyerspeak to me. I proclaimed that if you get away with it, you're home free and clear. Think I called him a communist. After I was convinced he was in his cups and there was no threat of an additional ass whipping.

Ass whippings. Oh, how I wanted a boy! I surely would have carried on the tradition. After all, I possess the dread tiger-toothed belt. Of course, it is not gender specific. Wink. Nod.

Posted by Velociman at February 24, 2006 9:15 PM
Comments

Pop was a big fan of the razor strop, him being one of the types that shaved until he died with a Red Devil No 6, and my hams still bear the scar of tha hook and buckle on the end of that strop.

You and me mojo bruddas, vman. We gots ta drop trou and compare scars at a blogmeet someday.

Posted by: og at February 24, 2006 10:19 PM

I still think you haven't lived until you are sent out to go 'pick me a hickory switch' by the maid, who then switches you, AND tells your mom, who spanks you, and then she tells your dad, who does the same. Fortunately, *I* was the good child....it was my brother who got a spanking every day whether he needed it or not!

Posted by: Candy at February 24, 2006 10:35 PM

Candy, I have fetched the switch. We used to hide the tiger-toothed belt for obvious reasons, and then were forced to fetch the switch. I suggest willow, if you can get it. Very pliant, and thin, but it has some steama whip action! Better than a scrub oak switch, though.

Posted by: Velociman at February 24, 2006 10:42 PM

I, too, was a switch baby, until that one time when I thought I was being clever and brought mom a dry twig. From then on out Mom went barehanded, if not ferociously plying outright slaps upside the head. Dad was a belt and hamstring man, himself. You right. That shit hurt.

By the time I was my kid's age, I had gotten, like, an exponential number of spankings to his lifetime total. Dammit. I gotta get cracking.

Posted by: kelley at February 24, 2006 11:03 PM

I, too, was a trumpeter (trumpeteer?) as a wee lad. And Herb was the man. My first real, kick-ass-take-names solo was Herbs,"The Lonely Bull". I can still hear it in my head. Thanks in no small part to my ingestion of Crown Royal Manhattans. Two cherries.

My ass whippings were with a wooden spoon. To the cheeks, but no less traumatic. And no less deserved...

Posted by: The Other Mike S at February 25, 2006 12:41 AM

My Dad is 6'4" of lean, hard-headed Dutchman -- he never needed anything more than than the flat of his hand to make the 5 of us jump to attention. Still owes my sis & I 75 swats each as balance due for the 150 little green oranges that we merely watched the neighbor kids pick off his tree as we 'napped'. At 85 he still doesn't let us forget it! On the other hand, the last time I pissed my mom off enough that she went after me with a hairbrush (must've been 8 or 9 at the time), the DOG grabbed her arm and wouldn't let her! After that it was the 'wait til your father gets home, young lady' routine.
And would you believe, I STILL have that Herb Alpert album -- one of the first records I ever bought with my babysitting money!

Posted by: Marianne at February 25, 2006 3:55 AM

Does anyone else not see the sadness in these stories..commenters included..or is it just one of those things you're not supposed to mention in polite company?

You know, I've got 5 boys and a girl..and I have yet to switch them. Never will. It's wrong, and it IS cruel. I saw my brother get switched like that and he ain't right.

The only time I whoop my kids is if they're whooping each other...

Posted by: Kelly at February 25, 2006 11:10 AM

Herb rocked the hell outta some trumpet. Even made a small comeback in the 80's (remember "Rise?") Love him, love him, love him.

And, am I the only perverted one who read your last paragraph and thought your wife one hella lucky lady?

Yeah. I thought so.

Posted by: Margi at February 25, 2006 4:26 PM

We had "the belt" that hung in "the woodshed" - I'll never forget that thing, big thick brown leather. We were intimately acquainted quite a few times (and I usually deserved it!)

Posted by: Lisa at February 25, 2006 4:38 PM

We had "the belt" that hung in "the woodshed" - I'll never forget that thing, big thick brown leather. We were intimately acquainted quite a few times (and I usually deserved it!)

Posted by: Lisa at February 25, 2006 4:38 PM

Kelly, your comment indicates you think spanking/paddling/whatever-ing - punishing - your kids is wrong. I have two teenaged boys 17 and 18 that are a couple of wonderful, productive teens, that will soon be productive adults. Part of that is because they got spanked when they were young. You can't reason with a 4 or 5 year old kid. They understand a whack on the ass. They understand the difference between right and wrong at an early age, and that wrong has unpleasant consequences.

Posted by: The Other Mike S at February 25, 2006 11:42 PM

Let it be known now. My father invented the Tiger-Toothed Belt. He lent it to the Senator when my cousin Ralph and I threw rotten peaches on the Irish neighbors house. We hated them so much.

Posted by: Donald Brannon at February 26, 2006 7:37 AM

Man, if I had a nickle for every time I whacked off to that album cover.

Posted by: Bane at February 26, 2006 1:20 PM

Mike S., you are correct. I do not, for the most part, believe in corporal punishment. I have 6 children ranging in ages..21,19,17,15,7, and 9. 5 of those children are boys and all of them have ADHD. I have productive adults, teenagers, and children living in my house. And, yes, you can reason with them. You just have to beat them at their OWN rules.

Posted by: Kelly at March 1, 2006 8:33 AM

ADHD is a much bandied-about term. If Kelly's kids really are afflicted with a brain dysfunction syndrome, than however she deals with them and obtains positive results is great. However, something tells me that most of those boys may simply have 'learned' to act out in various ways, in order to get attention, or to exert juvenile control over their parent(s). As well, I would politely debate that her reasoning with them is probably more like cajoling and whining.

When an adolescent male is given reasonable boundaries for behaviour and self-discipline, and he chooses to transcend those boundaries, a couple of stinging smacks to the hindquarters is the best method to demonstrate the consequences of disobedience. The intensity and frequency of a spanking needs to be determined by the type of family and parenting styles, and the character and type of child involved. Lack of accountabilty and due consequence are killing our kids. I am in favour of moderate corporal punishment - never in anger, but meted out in a calm fashion that speaks of rational judgement and judicious caring and lots of love. The use of a switch or strap or paddle or whatever is something that should be related to administering a punishment that hurts sufficiently in the short term, to impress the importance of obedience upon the child - NOT as an instrument used for continuous beating and threats. The whole point of spanking is to overcome, with a painful negative stimulus, the errant will of the child. This holds true for some kids right up into their teens.

I got the strap from my father when I deserved it, never otherwise (and it wasn't a regular thing either). I also got hugged and affirmed and told withoiut hesitation that I was his beloved son. I never doubted my place as a cherished and protected offspring of my parents - and I was required to own up to my words and actions. That is something sadly lacking in many family dynamics, today.

Posted by: al at May 17, 2006 4:46 PM

IT SEEMES LIKE THAT NONE OF U GUY'S HAVE EVER EXPERIENCE A REAL ASS WHIPPING/BEATING. IF U EVER COME TO THE POINT THAT U OFFER UR DAD MONEY JUST NOT TO WHIP/BEAT U, THEN U HAVE REALLY HAD AN ASS WHIPPING/BEATING.

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Posted by: eman at August 18, 2006 5:22 AM

I CANNOY imagine using corporal punishment on a son, and not a daughter because of gender. That's a guarenteed way to make a child hate the sister, and probably women in general. Small wonder many beaten children grow up to beat on their wives.

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Posted by: Ed at November 14, 2006 3:32 AM

I too think spanking children is bad. I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, and the eldest of them is 14, the youngest is 8. I have never had to hit them. They are all very quiet and introspective children, and all of my childre have ADD or ADHD. My kids trust both me and my husband very much. I think that to hit children like that would only injury them and cause us to lose their trust in us. Aren't we suppose to protect them from pain, not be the cause.

I believe that the same is for all children. They are smaller than we are, and can't always be reasoned with, but pain as a deterent is not the answer. It may have worked for us, our parents, and grandparents. But I doubt it will work for our children.

There are better ways to deal with negative behavior, and sure, i can understand that some children can be impossible and patient trying to the point that you want to hit, them, but don't. There is always a reason why they act out, and it is up to you and i to figure it out. What I do sit my child down once they have finished their tantrum and know that i am not going to give in to them, and ask them why they acted like that.

It works for now, and it may not work forever, but i will keep trying out non violent methods until none work. Though I hope I never come to that. Neither should you!

Be the kind of parent you never had, and break the cycle of violence.

Posted by: Karyne at December 6, 2007 8:56 PM

I can disprove those who say ADHD is caused by spanking. I am fifteen years old, and have only been hit by a parent once in my life. I am now a productive teen at boarding school. I have NEVER--nor even considered--smoked, gotten drunk, taken drugs, stolen, or even lied to an adult [OK, I told a lie once in first grade]. I do not cheat and I value integrity. I preserve my modesty, as well.

Please note, however, that I do not think individual cases prove anything. You may notice that a lot of people who spank their kids talk to them about their behavior first. That scolding/lecture/etc. would be just as effective without the spanking.

Posted by: Sarah at March 21, 2008 4:58 PM

There is NOTHING wrong with a good whipping. I use a strap and leather belt on my kids EVERYDAY. I blister their butts and make them whelp and cry. I enjoy whipping them. I grit my teeth and whip hard and laugh as they howl!

Posted by: Kayla at May 5, 2011 12:42 PM

Dude, did that razor strop sting! Our's was out in the woodshed, hanging on a nail, and apop made sure he kept it nice a supple, so it would fly across me and my bros bare butt cheeks! And, yes I too have scars from some of the more lengthly whipins!

Posted by: jake craig at July 14, 2011 2:05 PM

Boy I got strapped very often for unruly behavior,usually the razor strap laying on the bed with pillows under the stomach to elivate my ass for the strap .50 was a minimum session.When real bad on the bed as usual and baby oit put on my ass and a electric cord whipped my ass until I was screaming those were real whippings

Posted by: Peter at November 11, 2011 2:39 PM

ADHD is a much bandied-about term. If Kelly's kids really are afflicted with a brain dysfunction syndrome, than however she deals with them and obtains positive results is great. However, something tells me that most of those boys may simply have 'learned' to act out in various ways, in order to get attention, or to exert juvenile control over their parent(s). As well, I would politely debate that her reasoning with them is probably more like cajoling and whining. I got the strap from my father when I deserved it, never otherwise (and it wasn't a regular thing either). I also got hugged and affirmed and told withoiut hesitation that I was his beloved son. I never doubted my place as a cherished and protected offspring of my parents - and I was required to own up to my words and actions. That is something sadly lacking in many family dynamics, today. When an adolescent male is given reasonable boundaries for behaviour and self-discipline, and he chooses to transcend those boundaries, a couple of stinging smacks to the hindquarters is the best method to demonstrate the consequences of disobedience. The intensity and frequency of a spanking needs to be determined by the type of family and parenting styles, and the character and type of child involved. Lack of accountabilty and due consequence are killing our kids. I am in favour of moderate corporal punishment - never in anger, but meted out in a calm fashion that speaks of rational judgement and judicious caring and lots of love. The use of a switch or strap or paddle or whatever is something that should be related to administering a punishment that hurts sufficiently in the short term, to impress the importance of obedience upon the child - NOT as an instrument used for continuous beating and threats. The whole point of spanking is to overcome, with a painful negative stimulus, the errant will of the child. This holds true for some kids right up into their teens.

Posted by: sanctosurt at January 10, 2013 2:21 PM

There are better ways to deal with negative behavior, and sure, i can understand that some children can be impossible and patient trying to the point that you want to hit, them, but don't. There is always a reason why they act out, and it is up to you and i to figure it out. What I do sit my child down once they have finished their tantrum and know that i am not going to give in to them, and ask them why they acted like that. I too think spanking children is bad. I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, and the eldest of them is 14, the youngest is 8. I have never had to hit them. They are all very quiet and introspective children, and all of my childre have ADD or ADHD. My kids trust both me and my husband very much. I think that to hit children like that would only injury them and cause us to lose their trust in us. Aren't we suppose to protect them from pain, not be the cause. Be the kind of parent you never had, and break the cycle of violence. I believe that the same is for all children. They are smaller than we are, and can't always be reasoned with, but pain as a deterent is not the answer. It may have worked for us, our parents, and grandparents. But I doubt it will work for our children. It works for now, and it may not work forever, but i will keep trying out non violent methods until none work. Though I hope I never come to that. Neither should you!

Posted by: Zbinden at January 10, 2013 6:21 PM

Mike S., you are correct. I do not, for the most part, believe in corporal punishment. I have 6 children ranging in ages..21,19,17,15,7, and 9. 5 of those children are boys and all of them have ADHD. I have productive adults, teenagers, and children living in my house. And, yes, you can reason with them. You just have to beat them at their OWN rules.

Posted by: Jackson at January 24, 2013 5:08 AM

There is NOTHING wrong with a good whipping. I use a strap and leather belt on my kids EVERYDAY. I blister their butts and make them whelp and cry. I enjoy whipping them. I grit my teeth and whip hard and laugh as they howl!

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